Recently, I'm very addict to the lyrics of the song: Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
"I love what the lyrics have mention - " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller".
It's definitely a good thing to be strong and independent, however .. recently I feel that actually I'm not strong and independent at all. I feel like I have been acting to be strong all these while and not letting my emotion out. I feel so depress and tired at time that why do I need to pretend to be strong? Why do I need to act like I'm so strong and making myself keeping all the weakness in myself and become so depress?
After giving birth to Sherrine, I feel so depress and I never let it out, I keep all the emotion and stress in myself and letting myself to be so depress nowadays and my emotion are so random. I can be happy at this moment and get upset another moment, or I can get pissed off easily, or I see everything also not happy. I feel like I'm so stress at time when I'm home facing the two Princess. Yes, they're my happy pills but they still do make me feel tired and stress.
Sometime I don't know what to do when they got so cranky and I feel like just scolding them and give up. I tried and tried to endure, and yes, until now I can still try to manage to control the anger and emotion I have when facing their crankiness. However .. today, I don't know what's wrong with me that I cried when I bathe, even right now when I'm blogging about this, I feel so tired and lost.
The moment I decide to have them and bring them to Earth, I have to be prepare to face all the stress and every obstacles that will be coming to me but I don't know if I am not well-prepared or I'm depress so I kept having a lot of thoughts running through my mind that sometime, I feel so emotional and I am very worry that if this goes on, I will get depression because after all I got a fall badly and I need time to stand up.
I always thought that I am not upset, thought that I am strong and believe that I can make it myself, but I was wrong because I realize at certain time when I got so emotional, the first came to my mind for comfort was him, after all he was the one that gave me the comfort during those times but also the one who hurt me deeply that I can't bring myself to forgive because I am afraid of stepping into it and get hurt again.
Sometime I feel so lost, feel so I don't know what to do at all to comfort myself. I can only keep quiet, find something to do, or Google for answer that can comfort my thoughts/questions running on my mind. Aftermath, I don't know what I can really do. Yes, I've successfully remove him from "love" but still maybe because I'm used to having him around and not to have to worry anything, so I depend on him too much that at times, he will comes to my mind.
Sigh ..
I know I still got to stand strong and face all this, I know it's going to be hard and I will definitely feel stress and depress but I just have to endure and do whatever I can for my kids because they're not just my kids, they're simply my everything. They are my priority! They are what makes me stronger and grow up in a sense of that to be more responsible for what I have done.
I will continue to stay strong and endure everything .. because my kids can't afford to lose me as I play two roles now as a Dad and a Mom. I need to be strong, I need to manage my stress, I need to control my emotion, I need to change and be a much more braver person! I NEED TO!
I don't know if it's because I just gave birth to Sherrine so I got this baby blues that's why I am so negative or I am really depressed .. ? I really don't know, I really feel so lost and stress .. Okay, I shall stop blogging about this, if not I guess a lot of thoughts will be running through my mind and I will get sleepless again ..
And probably ..
" When life gets hard and I feel all alone, I should always remember that I mean the world to someone, and that someone is one who calls me, "Mom". "
