I really have no idea what's going to happen next, because recently I have been thinking and in fact, I always have the same question on my mind everyday. I don't know what will happen and if I ignore the question on my mind does it really helps and let nature takes it course? Some time I got so tired and stress when all this question keep flowing back to me when I keep rejecting it to get on my mind.
Those questions just never stop coming back to my mind -
"Will I slowly by time forgive someone I used to love and let him get back my side? Can I really forgive him and let this family get back to where it used to be? Will making such decision makes me regret again? Will I be hurt again if I ever step out of the x-zone that I have make for myself?"
I ever thought of forgiving him for the sake of the two daughters, (no, I am not taking them as an excuse) because I wanted to give them a complete family - I mean who doesn't want to give their children a complete family? I know I can still find someone else out there, but ... Will he able to take my children? Will he able to love my children like how much I love them? Will he be able to accept the facts that I might love my children more than I love him? Will he do anything to my daughters? There's a lot of question comes to me when I was thinking if I were to find someone else out there.
I know, a lot of them told me :"If the man love you, he will also accept your children and love them like how you did". However, the problem is are we sure that he will or is it for that only moment when he loves you so he will / he can? I know there are still some cases whereby those Single Mom met someone who can and I really give them the blessing but I'm not a lucky girl. After 20 years of life, I think the luckiest thing ever happen was that I've born in this home, having my two daughters and those best friends. Other than that, nothing lucky ever happen on me.
I know it take times to find someone who can/who will but I don't think I will accept any relationship because I rather be alone with my two daughters as I know, I will definitely have my attention more on the two Princess than on the relationship.
I think I am more of a family woman, I think for my children more than for myself. I want them to be happy, even if I am not. I want to protect them from getting hurt, even if I get hurt. I want to make sure everything is best for them, even if it's not the best for me.
There are people who ask me -
"Why don't I just give up the children and give to the Dad since he is willing to take care and at the same time I can also return back to freedom, I can go back to further studies, I can get into another relationship, I won't have burden and etc".
I always tell them -
"Because I am the one who decide to give birth to them, I am the one who bring them on Earth therefore I have to do my responsibility and take care of them. The moment I make the decision of bringing them to Earth, I have to accept that I will lose the freedom and I can't get anything like I once used to and etc. They did not end my life, instead they start a new one for me, a better one, a more responsible one. Therefore, I love them and I have no regrets having them by my side now."
Anyway, I know my family is never ever going to forgive him because he hurt me and they really hate it so much that he can keep doing this to me even I have forgive him countless of time. However, to be honest, I have already forgive him because holding onto grudges will only make myself more tired. I will take this as a lesson to make sure I don't ever get into this "rubbish" anymore. We're still friends, because after all he is still the Dad of the two Princess and I'm not a mean person to stop him from seeing them as long as he pay me the maintenance fees every month.
The weakness of me is that, I don't angry for long and I forgive someone too easily. Now that I have been hurt so much by him, and he is trying so hard now to enter my life is never easy like how it used to be. To me, he seems more like a friend now or I should say, I have forget every small detail of him and feels like we're just some Hi-Bye friend? The relation between us is only "Princess's Dad", nothing else, nothing related to me only to my two Princess.
SIGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ~
I think ... we shall just let nature take its course.
Now, I am happy being single and happy that the two Princess are by my side! :')
Till than, I shall blog again.
Love, xoxo
