I don't know what is wrong with me recently, I feel really stress and depress like what I have mention on my previous blog update. The more I think, the more worry and question comes to me and I think when I have free time I tend to think more than usual therefore I always try to keep myself busy and not to think so much if not I can feel really terrible by just having so much on my thoughts.
I once thought that life was bad for me during school times, but actually it wasn't the worst at all. Till I have been through all these tough journey then I realize those times, those problem was just a piece of cakes. However right now, what I am going through is really killing me and I have no idea how to stop all these stuff from killing me! I really feel very tired and breathless, hoping someone can come rescuing me! :(
After enjoying 18 years of life, I suddenly stepped into Motherhood - something I used to think that it was easier than studying, something I once thought that its just a piece of cakes. Until when I really stepped into it, I realize it wasn't easy at all and it really makes me feels like going back to school days but still I have never regret bringing my both princess to Earth because they're the happiest thing happen in my life.
Life with one kid is not easy, not to say two now. I'm still trying to manage my life with two kids, because it can be really so stressing when I have to handle one, not to say two already. People always told me I have done my best, but I always feel that I have not. I feel that I am a very bad Mommy because I can't get what my kids want at times. They get so cranky and I couldn't do anything at all at times and all I can do is to ask my Mom for help.
I really feel so useless and helpless.
For Shervelle, I can still cope other than when she gets really naughty and cranky, I got cranky and mad too! Sometime I got so pissed off that I feel like just screaming out loud at her but I know I can't, because she still has a lot more to learn therefore I always talk nicely with her first until she really purposely do again then I will flare up. Other than that, she's pretty alright and I got no much worries. And time is passing pretty fast that she'll be turning two in another 4 months plus time.
For Sherrine, I really get so stress by just looking at her. I don't know why also, I keep thinking and thinking but no answer to the question. I can feel so depress and even helpless looking at her. Her small reaction or action can makes me worry like a mad woman and keep asking my Mom that why is she behaving like this or why is she reacting like that. During this one month plus time, I don't know how much I have cry by just worrying of her and maybe due to I think too much too.
Because the period of time when I was carrying her is never easy. I get sick easily, I lose appetite and lost weight, I got positive GBS, date is due and she's not coming out and till I give birth to her, during birth nurse told me her heartbeat is dropping, after birth she don't take in milk and keeps vomiting and even stay in Special care nursery for 5 days straight - probably because I have met so much problem when I have her, everything just makes me feel so worry.
I keep on Google for answer to my question. I can sit there for an hour and ignore everyone who talks to me just to find answers to my question and how I can do to help her or even ask around to see if anyone met the same problem as what I am facing now. If not I can sit beside her during her sleep and keep observing and Google for answer. Till my sister told me, I have spent so much time on her and neglect Shervelle.
I am really feeling so guilty but both are my precious, I just love them too much and I have to agree at the start I really neglect Shervelle for Sherrine but right now, I am trying to manage two and not neglecting any one of them and I think I have did it. I hope I won't neglect any one of them anymore or shower more love on one than the others.
Anyway, being such a Mommy at such young age I have never ever regret because I learn a lot and seen a lot more than during school days. After being a Mom, I have to step out to this realistic society to work and from there I get to see a lot of two-headed snake, backstabber, gossiper, and etc. With that, I also learn to be more responsible, independent, and know how to do things smartly and not letting anyone have any chance to hurt me.
Having them was the greatest thing ever happen and bringing them to Earth was the happiest thing ever. Because they've bring a lot of love, happiness, laughter to me. If I am grant for three wishes, I won't wish anything for myself, all I want for is for them to be happy and healthy. Because I love them so much that I am willing to sacrifice myself for them to be happy and healthy.
I hope things will be smooth down the road soon. I really don't want to be so depressed anymore, I want to be happy and be able to manage the two kids soon! God, please give me some strength to be strong. I need the strength from you to be stronger, to fight all obstacles that I am going to meet. Let all the good things happen to my kids because they're just too innocent to meet anything bad.
"I will keep smiling and face everything because the two angelic princess is always here motivating me to move on and they never fail to put on the smile on me always."
Till than, loves ~
