To be honest, I am not in the mood these few days. I kept finding something to occupied myself, to not let myself to think so much and let those things/stuff to affect me. Therefore I am thankful that I have got my babies with me that they really occupied most of my time other than when they're sleeping. Worst part is that I'm having insomnia that I can't sleep and I ended up have to look up for drama/variety show to occupied my mind.
I don't like being like this, but sometime I just couldn't help it. Each time when I thought he has change, he just make me realise that actually he doesn't at all. How many chances I have given him because I know Shervelle and Sherrine need a Daddy after all, it doesn't mean that I can replace the Daddy so easily as Shervelle is this big now and she could recognise him. But utterly disappointed with everything now that I really totally give up the idea of forgiving him.
I feel that it's better that I raise the kids up on my own even though its going to be tough but as long as we can have him out of our life, I am going to work double hard and make sure my kids don't suffer and I am sure they won't suffer because I love them too much that I can't see them suffering because of me.
Both Shervelle and Sherrine will always be my daughter, my princesses. It doesn't mean that you don't see them, don't get to get along with them, they ain't your child. However, that man, that jerk, that idiotic bastard has make it so. He totally take it that ONLY Shervelle is his daughter and Sherrine has nothing to do with him. He might deny, he might say no, he might upload her photo BUT that doesn't mean he take Sherrine as his daughter.
Yeah, you'll might be wondering why. With all his words and actions, you can tell it all. It's damn obvious, especially for me when I have know him for about to going five years, if I still can't tell -that means I am really blinded and just fall in love blindly. Well .. from his words, all he mention 90% are Shervelle & 10% are Sherrine. If not, from the reply I can see who he is more interested in.
And the recent one just happen not long, it's all about Sherrine's hospital bill. Because she was in Special Care Nursery, obviously, the bill is going to be much more expensive and so, after deducting MediSave, we still need about $500+, I ask from him because he has never pay a single cent for Sherrine's check up till birth. NEVER ONCE DID HE OFFER TO PAY OR DID I ASK FROM HIM. And so, he says, he'll pay and I was really thankful for that.
However, he just keep doing nonsense and in between we've argument and so, he is a stingy person therefore, I can't think of how and I mention take it as a loan. He told me it's okay, he'll pass it to me once he receive the GST money. And say that I don't have to return because after all he is the Daddy of them. I was like ... okay.
Till that day, he not only pass me $300, he even text me and told me, "you can slowly return me". I was like, " HUH? WHAT?" It's like, so you're asking me to return you? Okay, now I know. Therefore, I have really make up my mind. I don't need him, I don't need his money, I don't need that stinky money, I don't need his sympathy! For now, I JUST HOPE THAT HE WOULD JUST FREAKING GET FAR AWAY FROM US!
I totally have no idea how upsetting it is to hear this, I totally have no idea how hurtful it can be to Sherrine if she knows this. Because when the day that I found out that I have her, his family all deny about her, and even Shervelle and now, he is doing that to Sherrine.
As a Mom, how can I not feel heartache and upset? How can I let this kind of hurtful stuff to happen to my precious? How can I let that kind of bastard to get near to my precious? NO WAY, no way am I going to endure this anymore. Especially when his family cover him for his mistake and mention that, they don't even know if the child was his and accuse me being with other guy. That's the biggest joke that I have ever came across.
My life has become so dramatic because of this guy. My life has gone into a mess because of this guy. My life has filled with tears because of this guy. My life is totally gone because of this guy! He must be the worst guy ever, the one I have been together has gone. He has move to somewhere that I don't know and I hope he would never come back anymore. I hope he'll move on silently and never come pestering me anymore.
Be it Shervelle or Sherrine, they don't need a Daddy like him, because now I know they'll be happier with just me and my family & friends. Without him, they're still smiling and laughing. They bring back my laughter and happiness, they bring back colors to my life, they make me so busy and frustrated but still loving them so much. They're so special and precious that they hold a place deep in my heart that I'll never bear to let them go.
Life is tiring and tough but never once I regret having them even though I might feel frustrated and annoyed when they are cranky, but deep in my heart, I still love them and I know this frustration is only for a moment, and loving them is for a lifetime, nothing worth more than their smile and laughter.
Being tired is nothing, because their hugs and kisses just makes everything so worthwhile. No words could express those love I have for them, no words could express how thankful they are here in my life, no words could express how happy I am to have them. Only when you're a parent, you'll know what I mean by 'being tired is nothing'. (':
My Princesses are so beautiful, so angelic that it must be the love that I have receive from God. The most beautiful present that I have in my life. For now, I'll have to work double hard and strive for a better future for the sake of the two girls. I will, and I have to! And also, I just wish that they'll continue to grow up well and good, stay smiley and happy, keep laughing; and nothing will matter anymore.
I want us to keep smiling and be happy like how we are now, always.
