I'm Just Tired

Disclaimer: This update is just me ranting and it could be no linked at all .. I don't even know what I am talking about .. I just type whatever that's coming from my mind and how I felt. 

Leave this page if you have negative comments.

 

Recently, or probably this few days, I've been feeling quite down and I could not find an answer to why am I feeling that way. I just felt really mentally tired, it could be because both my girls are sick, they got cranky and snap, it just got to my nerves and my patience just ain't there. I mean, yes, it's pretty normal that they would get cranky but how can I got cranky together with them .. ?

Tired... it's just tired that's playing around.

Nowadays, I've been sleeping around One or Two in the morning; slept about 4 or 5 hours? I just can't goes to sleep despite feeling the tiredness in me. WHAT'S WRONG? I don't know. I really have no idea what's going on in my body now. I just felt down .. felt tired .. felt that I'm breaking down.

When the exhaustion is pushing me ... I asked myself, "Why am I working so hard for? Who am I working so hard for?" There's only ONE answer to the questions I asked myself. "For my daughter's future, for my daughters'."  Yes, for them and they are always my priority. Whatever I do, whatever decision I made, no matter what it is, they are always my first consideration.

 

I'm trapped in my own mind.

I wished that I could escape from that and stop feeling this way to demoralized myself.

I could be demoralizing myself .. but I don't know why are I am disaffected, put off, bummed out, bored with all the cynicism and happy talk. I just want to close myself up from people around me, besides my family members or people that I have and must communicate to. If not, most of the time I am facing only myself and keeping myself in my own world .. 

Life right now is just waking up, preparing and head to work; during work - I'll do my task, take a small break, listening to music and ... head home. While I reach home, as usual, shower and have my dinner after which, I'll hang around with my girls and when they head to bed, I'll head to bed also, looking at my phone and read through articles, watch some drama and listen to songs then I'll head to bed. And snap, it's the next day... I feel so dead  and I could just not bother replying my friends' messages.. I didn't do that on purpose, but I just don't know what should I say..

The very last movie that I watched was Transformer, the very last time I head out with my friends was about one month plus. Aftermath, I didn't head out with any friends, beside with my family members. Friends asked me out, but I turned them down; I just don't want to head to anywhere at all, I feel bored not because they are but for that I felt that way ... and tired to head out.

 

I had enough. Enough of what I am going through now.

Especially my ex-Husband. 

The nonsense he gave, the fucking attitude that I'm dealing with; I really had enough. 

How I wished that I could just give him a tight slap on his face. He's really the worst nightmare I ever had.

 

But I know, no matter what, I must not give up yet because my daughters still needs me.

I know I ought to be strong and face every problem that is coming up but .... I have to say that I'm worried that I can't deal with this anymore, I'm not strong enough and I'm tired of pretending that I am. But who actually knows that? Well, I doubt anyone do.

It has been ... almost going two years that I am standing independently supporting my daughters, glad that people around me like my family members and best friends are supporting me, be it that it's financially, mentally or physically supports. Every single bit of them are appreciated and glad that they're always here with me to pull me through all this. 

However, the biggest motivation and supports are from my daughters. 

All I need is just them to be safe and healthy, with their smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses and "mama". With all that, I'm all ready to fight no matter how exhausted I am. Because that's the power of love that I have for them. I'm soon gonna be a 3 years old Mommy :)

Having them in my life,

 is the greatest achievement that I ever had.

From the moment I gave birth to them, I gave them my forever to love them. 

Where has all the time gone to, I've yet to feel the youth and now, I'm old.

For that "Mommy" that they call me, I gave them my forever to love them. 

Where has all the time gone to, I've yet to see you clearly and now my eyes are all blur. 

For all your happiness, I gave you my forever to make sure you're blessed. 

Where has all the time gone to? It has all gone with the forever I gave you, with all the love that I had given.